There are times when I feel I’m in a cocoon. All tightly packed and preparing for the day when I emerge, kind of slimy, but beautiful. Slowly flapping my wings in the warm spring air to dry them before my maiden flight.
Butterflies truly are beautiful. The transformation from creepy-crawly to brightly coloured wonder always amazes me. I guess I’m easy to amaze.
Yesterday after 3 loads of laundry, cleaning and voting in the local council elections I was faced with a choice. Write or Drink. I did neither. I lay on the bed between 3pm and 10pm watching Season 3 of The Big Bang Theory. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can shut down my thoughts of writing with something that requires nothing but watching.
This morning – for reason’s I won’t ever understand – I woke up at 5am, followed again at 6:00 am. Granted the 5:00 am wake up was courtesy of setting the alarm last night thinking tomorrow was Monday. Now tomorrow is Monday. Last night tomorrow was Sunday.
I dragged myself out of bed, had a coffee and watched some TV until about 8, when I came outside and wasted another hour on Facebook and Twitter. At 9 I was overcome with the desire to shut the internet. So I did. And I started to write.
A couple of week’s ago I watched a whole bunch of short films with a GLBT theme on Youtube. None of them really had a happy ending. Particularly the coming out films. They all seemed so damn tragic. Death or drugs or raped or abused. Frankly, it was such a miserable collection of sad stories I made the decision there and then that if I ever wrote a coming out story it was going to get if not a happy, then a hopeful ending.
So I sat staring at my monitor this morning with no idea what to write. I had nothing really in mind except two names. Sebastian and Carlton. That was it. So I threw my hands up to the Universe and I thought “okay then, let’s see what happens. Do you guys have a story for Sebastian and Carlton?”
The answer came back. It came back 45 minutes later when I realised that I was 10 pages into a short film I’d not even contemplated before. The answer came back when I found myself pacing under my house, puffing away on a cigarette, drinking hot coffee and deciding to mow the lawn. The answer came back when despite my best of intentions I found myself back at the computer for another half an hour. The answer came back when I sat back after typing “Fade To Black” and felt a sense of peace, satisfaction and exhaustion wash over me.
I wrote the first draft of an 18 page short GLBT themed film today in approximately 90 minutes. I got out of my way, and let it flow. A story line I’d never really thought about was born from two characters who popped into my head the night I watched the shorts on YouTube and didn’t really hang around much after that.
The more I stumble down the path to creative recovery and reclaiming who I think I should be, the more these random occurrences happen. The more I let go, the more I find something there that will happily take the reigns and show me what I have missing in my life.
I’m a believer in the Secret. In setting the intention and following the suggestions and seeing what you manifest. Mostly though I simply set the intention, ignore the suggestions and watch TV instead. Today I didn’t. Today I listened and I ended up with a short, sweet film with a hopeful ending.
I’ve just finished reading it through. I actually quite like it. It’s not perfect. There’s some spelling errors, some correctly spelt but incorrectly used words – here/hear for example – and there are some scenes that will get a major polish. But over all, for a first draft I like it.
I feel – believe it or not – productive. I feel like I’ve climbed the tallest mountain and swum the deepest seas. It’s funny how you can feel when you finally stop making excuses and simply start doing what you want you to do.
I guess the point to this post is that you never truly know what the universe has install for you. If you’d told me when I woke up this morning that today would be the day I’d finally start writing again, I would have probably ignored you. For the last five or so weeks I’ve set the intention that “this weekend I’m going to write.” It hasn’t happened. Not because I’ve not had any ideas, but because I simply procrastinated until it was “too late” to do anything and suddenly it was Monday morning.
I went and saw a spiritualist/energy healer last weekend. She told me that I don’t write because I’m afraid of speaking my truth. That I keep being given ideas and ignoring them, or simply trying to replace one character with a female character instead. She told me that when I write, I write so quickly because quite frankly all I’m doing is taking dictation. That my guides are leading the story.
She told me that when I trust myself enough to let ago is when my career will finally take off. I’m not there yet. I trust myself at the moment in fits and spurts. But today showed me that if I simply let go and trust the words will be there, I’ll find them effortlessly.
I guess the point to this post is it’s time to start creating that self-trust. It’s time to let myself have permission to write whatever comes my way. Good, bad or horrific, it’s time.
I feel totally empowered at the moment. I don’t usually let myself like anything I write. Today I do. Faults and all.