As well all know RuPaul’s Drag Race is the best television show in the history of the universe. Nothing has ever come close to the power, the majesty, the raw emotion of 13 hungry drag queens pushed to levels of exhaustion rarely seen in the modern world. It’s like Gladiators, only with wigs and heels.
As 2016 draws to a close and all eyes move towards 2017 what better way to examine the past year than with the Girls of Drag Race. There really is a Sistah for every season.
With start of the new year we all look towards being the best and fittest we’ve ever been. Christmas has come and gone, along with more food than you see in most 3rd world countries. Pants are tight, and padding is barely necessary. It’s January, let’s start our fitness campaign by throwing away the left over ham and finishing off the last of the chips and dip.
The month of love. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and everyone is snuggling up to their special someone, or on the prowl to find one for the 14th. It takes courage to open yourself up to love and February is the month Cupid wears his little wings to a nub to make sure you find that special someone with just the right bank balance.
March starts with a bang. Not that sort of bang you dirty-minded whores, although hey, it’s Mardi Gras and anything is possible. Hot nights, glitter and a pash and dash (do kids still do that these days) to pumping music and strobe lighting. The rest of March the weather turns and we can finally relax our girdles and let our true hog body show through.
April is usually when we celebrate Easter and the rising from the dead of the Lord and Saviour. Who else would we choose to celebrate with but the delicious Shangela. Halleloo indeed. No one can keep this bitch in a box, or a cave. More lives than a cat, but only one catch phrase. Still it’s a catchy fucker.
May is one of those months where we don’t have much on. It’s cold, almost winter, and frankly, we’re all just waiting for it to bugger off so we can get to the June long weekend. It’s been a busy 4 months already so we just have to keep counting down the days.
June! Halfway through the Year. Time to dust off the January wish list and see how it’s going. Of course, it’s still sitting where you left it on January 2nd. Lots of goals to move towards. Also, probably time you put away the Tim Tams and started working on that Summer Speedo body. There’s only a few months until you’ll be walking around half naked and getting branded by the seat beat buckle of your car anyway.
Oh the weather outside is frightful. It’s cold, it’s wet, you can’t tell if you’re carrying a six-pack or a keg under your oversized designer sweater sets. Cold and wet, tired, you bet. The year is totally starting to drag.
August is the last hurrah of the hog body before you have to start taking your clothes off for Instagram pics to remind the trade how hot you are. Throw away the carbs, sweat until icicles form on your brow. Bitch, you’re getting close to Speedo season and muffin tops are only good in a bakery.
Christmas is just around the corner. Listen, that’s the truth. The decorations are already being dusted off and if you look close enough you’ll find fruit mince pies in Coles, although to be fair they’ve probably been available since Easter Monday. The end of the year is drawing near. You better work.
Don’t say you weren’t warned. The weather is heating up, there’s a long weekend and it’s time for some emergency lipo and maybe a shot of botox to the brow. Throw the Winter clothes in the cupboard. Drag the exercise bike in front of the TV and work like you mean it.
November. The month you hate everything, everyone and every fly in existence. It’s humid, the commuter trains are packed with stink and you can practically smell the holidays – if you can just bypass that blokes BO.
It’s Holiday Time. Finally. You’ve made it through the year. The work is over, the house is covered in lights and tinsel and the Hallmark Christmas Movies get dragged out of another run of insta-love. It’s a great way to unwind in between parties, shopping and seeing that annoying relative who is relegated to once a year and only if they’re sober.