So the other day I was talking to a friend. As you do; just shooting the breeze. It was a ridiculously nothing conversation. So nothing I don’t even remember what we were talking about. Losing weight maybe, or writing, possibly getting some botox. Honestly, it could have been anything.
It was during this nothing conversation, with no real direction or purpose I recognised that I was talking in my Fathers voice. Not his actual voice, it was my actual voice. But wrapped around my fathers words was my actual voice coming out of my mouth.
I can’t say I was happy about it. I also can’t say it was the first – or last – time. See, since I noticed it once, I’m noticing it every time it happens. Not to mention, I’m recognising the thoughts every time they so much as wander through my head.
Someday. One day. When *insert something* happens I’ll….
Language that makes tomorrow the focus, not today. Now don’t get me wrong. What is coming next is not a discussion of nature v nurture, nor is it a monumental whinge about anything to do with the way I was raised. It’s more a focus on the use of particular language and how that may impact the reality you build for yourself.
I’ve recently been asked by several online acquaintances whether I’m “alright”. Forums, social networking sites etc. I’m not as “nice” as I used to be apparently. I’m more “confrontational”, less willing to ignore “stupid people”. They’re right. I am. I’m not depressed though. Or suicidal – as one person asked yesterday – I’m frustrated.
I was sitting here yesterday and I realised that come May it will be 24 years since that day I walked out of High School and point blank, straight up, refused to go back again. It’s 24 years since I got my first job. I’ve worked for 24 years. In that time I’ve been made redundant 3 times. Each time has led to a career change.
The last time was nearly a decade ago. I began a new career. I ended up in senior management. I’m not sure how but I did. What I’m hearing now is one of two things;
1 – The positions available to me are too “beneath” me. (Let me tell you, a pay cheque is not beneath me, 21 year old recruitment agent.)
2 – The positions available that I’ve been doing for 10 years are not suitable because I’m too old, too uneducated and too expensive.
Lately, as people have asked how I’m “going”, I make the comment “Oh something will come along one day. I’m not sure what yet, but I guess it will be fun to find out.”
One day, some day, tomorrow. I realised while walking today I’ve always lived for tomorrow. I’ve worked – as just stated – for 24 years. I’m now 40. I live in my parents home. I’m flat broke. The only real difference between now and 24 years ago is I have credit card debt, less head hair, and monthly expenses I can barely afford to cover.
Every job has led somewhere. I’ve had low paying entry level jobs and six figure salaries. I’ve always been broke. I’ve always known that “one day, when I can afford it, I’d travel”. I’ve always known that “one day, when I can afford it, I’ll buy my own home.” I’ve always known that “one day, when I’m older, I’ll be able to be a writer.”
I remember as a kid being in the car and talking about the harbour side mansion I was going to own and the family that would fill it and I can remember my father saying “if anyone in this family is going to be a millionaire it’s going to be him”. I remember that. I haven’t remembered that for years. I remembered it today. As I walked. As I tried to decide which of the two text books I can afford to buy this fortnight.
Yesterday as I was walking I came to the sad decision I couldn’t actually do the University degree I wanted to do. Not now. Later. When the timing was better, when the money was better. I got home, picked up the phone and booked into the courses I needed to get started. I understood what I was doing, and I made a decision that “tomorrow” is all for Little Orphan Annie.
For me, well all I’ve got is today.
If I want to do something I will. It’s part of the reason I made the “1 step a day rule” for 2014. Trying to do it all at once would cripple me, but just doing 1 step a day for each goal is working so far. And I’m making progress, somewhere. I can’t actually see it yet, but I can feel it – if that makes any sense at all.
All my life I’ve heard “one day, when we can afford it”. Somewhere along the way I adopted that belief and despite the money I’ve earned I could never afford it. I never allowed myself to be able to. For all areas of my life. Waiting for tomorrow has cost me 20 years of my life.
It’s no ones fault but mine, don’t get me wrong. This blog isn’t to play the “poor me” card, but more to come to understand better how the inner dialogue I’ve had, has created a cause and effect that I don’t want.
I’ve often said “I don’t know how I ended up in this life.” I can’t say that anymore. I know exactly how I got here. I waited for it to arrive.