Lately I find myself wondering about the usefulness of social media. Yes, it’s a great networking tool to meet like minded people you’ll never see in person I guess. But it’s not what it used to be. Back in the stone ages of Social Media the one thing I loved about it was the anonymity. No one knew who I was. I didn’t know anyone else. I was able to rant and complain and jump up and down, without fear of being called on it.

Today social media is invasive. It no longer has the anonymity it used to have. Hell, on pretty much ever social media site I am a member of, my parents are on it, and on my profile. Or they’re on my friends pages. There is nowhere I feel comfortable having “a whinge” anymore. When the pressure builds up, and all I want to do is scream, I have to second guess it with “do I really need my parents to know about this, to read this?”

Unemployment is doing my head in. I’m rapidly losing any confidence I had in myself, or my ability to be productive. I don’t trust my thoughts any more. I don’t trust my brain. I don’t trust me at all. I second guess every decision I make. From quitting smoking – hence, why I both took up and quit cigarettes again – to whether or not someone my age has a need for a Instagram account – I really don’t think I do, but everyone is so nice.

In the last week I’ve had 4 separate ideas for stories to write yet can’t put finger to keyboard on any of them. Every time I do I have a melt down at the thought.  For years I’ve talked about being trapped. Now, some how I find myself just that. Trapped.

I am trying so hard to stay focused, to keep believing in myself and in my ability to weave words – and worlds – but it’s becoming more of a struggle than I thought it would. Not just from a creative point of view, but from a life point of view.

It’s one of the reasons I don’t update here anywhere as much as I use to. I write in here almost daily. It’s the pressing publish that is causing a problem. I re-read, decide it’s shit and delete it. I just don’t have anything positive to say, and that’s seriously not like me at all.

People mean well, I know that. They tell me it will pass. They tell me I’ll find another job. They tell me that one day I’ll look back on this and laugh at how silly I was being. They tell me to suck it the fuck up and move on.

I appreciate that. I really do. But for now, I just don’t know what to do. Or where to start. Job hunting can go fuck itself. I was told recently that at my age it’s going to be an uphill struggle to have a client take any notice because I’m so close to retirement age. I’m fucking 40! Not 69. At this rate I’ll be able to afford to retire and live about 5 years after I’m dead.

I don’t like the attitude recruiters have, nor do I like the fall from top of the pile to begging for scraps from people I wouldn’t have looked at twice when I was hiring. I counted 8 spelling mistakes in a recruiters rejection email the other day. Not least of which was my name. I’m assuming it’s a form letter so I can’t really judge the kid who sent it to me. It was probably written by the boss and is a template no one bothers to check.

About the only thing I’ve got that I’m positive about at the moment is my new eating/exercise plan and frankly, even though I lost no weight this week, I didn’t put any on so I call it a win. Next week I’ll lose weight. Just you see.

Anyway, all this self-pity has got me wondering how other people pick themselves up and get moving. Even when they can’t see a light – although they know it’s there somewhere. I remember back in the days when I had a full head of hair, I did some Anthony Robbins “yeah haa, We’re Fabulous” programme. It talked about using “interrupts” to stop the flow of negativity. Maybe I’ll try that again. I can’t remember if it worked or not lol.

What was the “breaking point” for you? And what made you drag yourself away from sitting on the floor watching the world drift past your window?