My life really has changed over the last few months. I’ve started writing again, quit drinking, dieted and now I’ve quit smoking. I said the other day I’m just a red sports car and a 20 year old partner away from having a midlife crisis. Now that I’ve enrolled in University to gain a degree I’m pretty sure the car and the 20 year old are definitely the only things missing from the mid life crisis. Actually I’ve decided if I’m going to have one, I’m going to enjoy it.
So University. When I was 18 it was viewed as something only the “rich” kids did. At least it was in my family. No one in my family went to university. We left school. We got a job. End of story. The other day I had a meeting with my boss about career development. About how I wanted to go University.
He was all for it. I start in a week. I’m doing a Bachelor of Business. I guess we’ll see how I go. I’m a bit nervous about studying again after so long. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but never felt smart enough to complete.
2012 has been about facing head on the things I’ve always wanted but never felt able to complete. Writing classes, the artists way, then giving up drinking, 10 days ago I smoked my last cigarette. I’ve got no desire for another one, haven’t had any cravings of note either. Now I’m facing my inner belief that I stupid by doing a degree that sends my brain into a nervous breakdown.
Part of me keeps thinking “why a business degree, we’re a writer!” It’s strange to me that when I try to write, my brain – at least my ego – is of no help what-so-ever. When I decide that I’m going to do something to help my day to day job keep a roof over my head, then my ego is all about the writing.
Regardless of whether or not I’m a writer, as of right now I’m a non-smoker, non-drinking, university student about to begin Unit 1: Fundamentals of Business Law on a part time basis. I’m heading into the year in which I’m to turn 40. It doesn’t matter what my ego tries to do to me anymore.
See, I came to the understanding last week that I am much stronger than I think I am. I faced giving up the booze and won, despite the screaming and fear in my head. I faced the smoking and won, despite the screaming and fear in my head. The screaming and fear is in my head currently yelling about Uni, well I’ll face that and win too.
I’ve realised that the more my ego screams and fears, the better my chances of actually succeeding. As I said the other day in relation to the smoking “I’ve got this”. And I do. Uni, writing, recovery whatever it is. I’ve got it. I feel like I’ve wasted the first half of my life, I won’t make the same mistakes in the second half.