And the rains came tumbling down…

 

Since starting my new job, I’ve done pretty much nothing, but work and sleep. A few hours of commuting a day also comes into play. To get the new job update out of the way, I’m loving it. It’s a lot of work, but it’s fun, it’s fresh and it’s keeping me on my toes. All the things I was looking for really. I got very lucky when I found that role.

But as for every other area of my life, it’s all gone a bit pear-shaped really. Well that’s not particularly accurate, life is okay. It’s not setting anything on fire, and the world continues to spin regardless of whether I’m feeling any sense of accomplishment or success. This weekend, for reasons known only to the universe, I woke up ridiculously early. Both days. I’ve got nothing to do, no plans made, and really my social circle is reducing to Facebook posts, and Twitter ramblings.

So I did what any self respecting person does when faced with a crisis of confidence. I decided I was too fat and made the decision to go on a diet. I then ordered pizza and garlic bread.

I don’t really do well on weekends, which is strange. I used to live for them. Now there just a tad dull, and all I ever do is sit around the house, and watch TV. So today I made the decision, that if Mohammed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will have to come to him. I can sit here and complain constantly about nothing happening, while changing nothing, or I can re-invent myself.

I’ve developed a habit recently of listening to TEDTalks while on the train. They’re inspirational, and I sort of feel like I’m on top of the world for about twenty minutes after watching them. Once the euphoria of hearing how others are living their lives with passion leaves however, it’s back to reality.

One of the videos I listened to the other day, talked about faking it till you make it. Of investing the belief in yourself, before the reality is created. Years ago in a fit of inspiration I wrote an ebook, utilising creative visualised mediations, to help unlock the toxic areas of your life. I wrote it in about 3 days. It was a surprise. I’d never written a mediation before, it wasn’t something I ever considered. I then did what I alway do and left it to fend for itself.

I freaked out about becoming “the meditation guy.” This freak out was borderline ridiculous based on the fact the book was brand new. I ran away from it. Uploaded the copy to a variety of websites and left it to hang out with the thousands of other eBooks people have written that no one ever finds. Every now and then I wrote a tweet, or linked it Facebook, but that was all.

Today, while drinking my third cup of coffee, I had an urge to start a new project, a new writing project. I don’t know what it is, hence I’m writing a blog instead. But the idea that I could actually write something new is both exhilarating and terrifying.  I have absolutely no idea whether to write another meditation guide, a short story, a romance or a screenplay. And this is part of the problem in my physical world as well.

I honestly have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I think it would be helpful if we had a career chip. It gets scanned when you’re 16 and you find out “Mike, you will be a writer.” Once you know, you know, and then all the bits and pieces and confusions don’t matter. It’s irritating to me to be my age, and having some sort of bullshit identity crisis. I don’t know if it’s because I hit 40 last year, or because I’ve been doing it for so long I don’t know how to stop it anymore.

I know I need to get out more. Not to clubs and pubs, I did that for years, and frankly, while the mind might be willing, the body sure isn’t anymore. I can’t hear people speak in clubs anymore. I can’t pull up the next day I like used to. If I have a big night these days I’m in bed for a day afterwards. But trying to find a social outlet while living on the Coast can be difficult. I’ve decided to join a business group for the GLBT community in Sydney next pay day, and I’m toying with the idea of joining another social group as well.

But it all boils down to the fact I have a difficult time committing to anything. I can make decisions, and at work I’m fine. It’s my other life that causes me no end of bother and stress. I decide at 1pm and have forgotten or ignored it by 3. As I said earlier, it was bad enough when I was a teenager, but to have no progressed since is a pain in the bum.

I guess the point to this rambling pile of pants is I have to make some changes. Not just little ones like; this week I will have something different for lunch – I’ve had the same Chicken BLT toasted every day for the last month – but big ones that could if I let them, reshape my world.

If I don’t do it, I’m going to be writing this blog when I’m 90 and still whinging about the same things. So that’s it, the update that’s taken 6 weeks to write because I kept putting it off, and turns out, it doesn’t really say much of anything at all. You’d think after writing this blog for coming up to 2 years, I’d have figured something out by now. But apparently not.

So tell me, when you need to make a change, or alter the course your life is on, how do you do it? What steps do you take, and have those changes worked out in the end? Leave a comment below and let me know what the biggest change was you made in your life.

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